I sometimes wonder what I would be like without my history of obesity and self-esteem issues. Would I have grown up sporty, confident, the life of the party? Or would I still be an introvert, thoughtful and quiet, as I am today?
A few months ago I started a new job, and the team I joined is full of very outgoing and social folks - quite different to what I"m used to, with my background in publishing. (I"m used to being surrounded by lovely bookish types, who were usually very much like myself!) In this new job, I seem to be constantly feeling like a social misfit. The negative self talk is running rife, and it seems to peak on Fridays, when my colleagues spend half the afternoon talking about their plans to booze and dance the night away. All the while I am secretly looking forward to my night of a yummy home-cooked dinner, blog reading and snuggling up on the couch to watch Better Homes & Gardens!
In my late teens I drank and danced many a weekend away, but these days I much prefer going out for brunch or to a delicious dinner with friends, having fun but also getting home at a fairly decent hour. I"m also quite shy, although I hide it well (I think - most of the time, anyway), so the thought of socialising with people I barely know really does strike fear into my heart.
But at the same time, a part of me is curious and a bit envious about my colleagues" plans. I always think, maybe I should make the effort to put myself out there and make new friends rather than heading home to my comfortable little life? But usually, my terror at the thought quickly puts an end to any fantasies of the sort.
I keep finding myself wondering if this is really me - if I"m just growing up and past the partying stage - or is it my weight and my lack of confidence talking? If this is really me, I should feel happy about staying true to myself and try to work on quietening those evil thoughts that tell me I"m not good enough. But to deny myself adventures and fun nights out purely because I am lacking in confidence and embarrassed about my weight is another story. The thought of that makes me very sad indeed.
So, what to do? I guess only time will tell - perhaps as I continue on this healthy journey I will feel more like meeting new people and putting myself out on a limb. In the meantime, I will keep trying my best to ignore the shouty, negative thoughts in my head every time I"m very obviously the only girl in the office going home to my couch, my lovely man and my cuddly kitty cats.
Do you suffer from social anxiety? Have you reached the stage where you prefer nights at home to big nights out on the town? Help me feel like less of a social pariah - please!
VIA «I love my bed!» by Jane Storm